Resident Evil 5 : Cliff's Notes
by Penny Bloodlust
Summary: It's Resident Evil 5 Cliff's Notes, just like Resident Evil 4 Cliff's Notes. Ready your handgun and look determined.


Resident Evil is Capcom's. This is mine.

It's been a while since I played the main game and it wasn't exciting enough for me to repeat to the point of memorizing every little detail. So if there's some error, that's probably why.

It's unfinished because I am lame. Also, some formatting is removed automatically by . "Jill Valentine" early on is meant to have a strikeout until the BIG REVEAL and sometimes Chris's **GLARES **are meant to be in red text. Someday when it's actually finished I'll upload it to a place that has the intended formatting, 'cause that's SO important.

Resident Evil 5 - Cliff's Notes

_**We're in Africa lol**_

JILL VALENTINE: *pace*

SOME GUY: *kneeling on the ground* BLRGRAPPH! *grabs Jill Valentine's hand*

JILL VALENTINE: *brush off*

_**Elsewhere**_

SOME SOLDIER: GO! GO! G-

CAPTAIN DECHANT: Whoa, not so fast. We cleared the way to move in from underground. Which is why the entire first chapter of this game takes place topside. Eh, whatever. MOVE OUT!

_**Again**_

CHRIS: *driving down dusty road in the middle of a remote third world location and gives a voiceover about how Umbrella is evil and even though they're gone, their stuff still ends up in the hands of bad guys.*

TRUCK: *parks*

CHRIS: *gets out* Remote village soon to be filled with local freaks? Check. Deja vu? Check. Except we're in Africa so this is totally different than RE4, got it? There's a big pharmaceutical company funding the whole MONSTER BAD KILL operation I represent and they will in no way be partly responsible for this new disaster, now let's meet eye candy exhibit number one and I hope you all remember Tricell from the ending of Resident Evil Degeneration too. Hi, Sheva.

SHEVA: ZOMG CHRIS REDFIELD CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH.

CHRIS: Uh, just Chris is fine. So you're coming with me and stuff?

SHEVA: Yeah, the locals, well, they don't like anyone who doesn't have tentacle flower things coming out of their mouths foreigners, so...

CHRIS: So you'll bribe them and everything will be fine?

SHEVA: Pretty much..._PARTNER._

**Chris flashback moment where he thinks of Jill Valentine's grave. Wait, WHUT?!**

Jill Valentine is apparently dead. _Or is she?_ In any case probably not since main characters, unexpectedly really really popular side characters and villains hardly ever get killed off firreals in this series. With one later exception. So far.

SHEVA: You alive?

CHRIS: Oh, just thinking of my old partner, you know. But let's not bring that up again for at least a couple more chapters, 'kay?

Chris and Sheva walk to the village gates where surprisingly there is no picnic of locals waiting on a cliff to run towards town and warn everyone of their arrival. Chris gets another voiceover.

CHRIS VOICEOVER: So, bioweapons are still killing lots of people and sometimes I wonder just what's the fucking point anymore? Then Capcom says 'no, we CAN make more money off this!', so here's another installment since the jury's still divided on whether or not the Resident Action Genre has jumped the shark yet.

GUARD: TITS OR GTFO. *gropes Sheva*

SHEVA [smackhand]: It's not that kind of costume! Yet.

Sheva bribes the guard, who lets them by.

CHRIS VOICEOVER [cont.]: So since I'm here I might as well kill a bunch of non-zombies because it's my calling and because my job is apparently awesome like that.

KIRK [on radio]: Hi. Can everyone hear me?

CHRIS/SHEVA: Yepper.

KIRK: Some guy named Irving is doing black market stuff in Kijuju. We already sent the redshirts I mean the cannon fodder I mean the opening kill guys Alpha team in, you're the backup. Oh, and go to the butcher to get weapons and shit. That guy can tell you more. BYE.

Chris and Sheva meander through the village and happen by a bunch of villagers beating someone lying on the ground. Since they had to wait and pick up their weapons after they were on mission, they wander on by. As they arrive at the butcher shop the camera zooms in on a static-y radio of what's going on with that radio and they realize the village is now deserted and that's a bit weird. Only slightly deterred, they keep going.

**Butcher Shop**

REYNARD FISHER: Good, you're here.

CHRIS: What, no 'What're ya buy-'

REYNARD: NO MERCHANT JOKES ALLOWED. Just hurry and get inside because everyone here is all edgy because of the new government. So no funny looks or sudden movements, got it? And no merchant jokes.

Chris and Sheva get their standard issue pea shooters from the briefcase, aim them around the room a few times and decide they're ready to go do this thing.

SHEVA: Remind me where we're going again? They didn't brief us past 'butcher shop'.

REYNARD: Town square up ahead is where you'll rendevous with your soon-to-be-dead buddies. I'm sure you'll figure it out after that.

SHEVA: Great. Nothing at all will go wrong with this, I'm sure.

REYNARD: If you say so. In the meantime I should probably namedrop a plot point or something. Heard of 'Uroboros'?

CHRIS: I didn't pay attention in math class.

REYNARD: ... ... ... It's a doomsday project, rumors except not, blah blah blah. Go find Irving because he's the only lead.

Reynard leaves. Chris and Sheva have a pep talk before heading out.

CHRIS: We're totally a team now. Whatever happens we're gonna stick together and be BFFs, at least for this game.

SHEVA: I might not be as big as you but I am a strong and independent female role model who may or may not have a small pistol tattoo somewhere. I can handle myself.

Moving on again, Chris and Sheva happen by a dead animal across the path, followed by a bunch of skulls in the building and more mutilated dead animals. Pretending all this is normal or maybe thinking that Reynard was crazy and they're lucky to have gotten away without having their skin ripped off, they just keep going. Also they apparently ignore Reynard's warning that the people here are on edge and enter the room with their guns drawn and wave them around.

Except rightly so because two villager models are holding down a third and forcing a clump of tentacles the size of a softball down his throat.

CHRIS: I DON'T THINK THAT'S GILLYWEED.

VILLAGER MODEL #1: *tentacle flower growl*

BOTH VILLAGERS: *run away*

SOON TO BE ONE-OF-THEM: *blarghbarf!*

CHRIS: Are you dead? Need me to help you home or something?

NOW ONE OF THEM: *wobble stand ATTACK*

The heroes, now armed, shoot to kill.

SHEVA: WTF.

CHRIS: NOT A ZOMBIE. JUST NOT. I second that WTF.

Agreeing that it was not a zombie, they both jump out of a second story window. Because the apparently don't build stairs or ground floor entrances in this part of the world. Leon was just being a dick, however.

MAJINI SWARM: *descends*

CHRIS/SHEVA: *run for their freakin' lives and bar themselves in a building*

CHRIS: OMG KIRK HOSTILE LOCALS THIS IS JUST LIKE THE BEGINNING OF RE4 EXCEPT NOT! Oh yeah, we totally had to shoot a guy.

KIRK: Just like Hunnigan, I approve of this and you should stick to your mission.

SHEVA: Wait WHUT?! You expected this or something? You could've told US!

CHRIS: How 'bout some _PARTNER_ gameplay mechanics to take your mind of things?

Chris and Sheva kick down a metal door because even though Chris has apparently injected himself with gorilla muscles, he still can't do it himself. They go through some more bloody placeholder backgrounds, through a tunnel and then come across another building which they of course enter by waving their guns around. Although this time it's considerably justifiable.

AGITATOR: *agitates*

MOB: *cheers*

REYNARD: *on the chopping block* OH GOD I NOW WANT TO ALLOW MERCHANT JOKES!

Sheva agrees and steps forward to buy it at a high price but Chris holds her back when he sees the huge fuck-all guy with a bag over his head and nails pounded through the bag and oh yeah carrying an axe the size of a car. Needless to say, this is Reynard's final scene.

AGITATOR: *somehow spots Chris and Sheva in the building a hundred feet away through the window and points them out while screaming...something.*

MAJINI: *Don't need to be told twice. Probably not even once.*

Chris and Sheva take another page from Leon's book and pushes wooden bookshelves in front of the wooden doors and windows because there's no way an axe in the hands of a huge monster could just chop right through that shit.

CHRIS: KIRK! Locals. Hostile. Trapped. Gate sealed shut that can't be opened with _PARTNER_ gameplay mechanics! Oh, and a huge guy with nails in his head and a giant axe that clearly does not give a fuck that we needed a merchant for this game.

KIRK: Just hold them off for a predetermined amount of game time and I'll be there!

Many things go smash, including the first sealed gate and the heroes manage to somehow not die. Kirk radios again to remind them that he's on his way. A few minutes later he shows up and rocket launchers away the second sealed gate that they apparently can't just climb over using their cheer-squad partner jump tactics that show up in a bit. Kirk sends them into the next chapter with an explosion that takes out several Majini as well as the second gate.

CHRIS/SHEVA: *pant pant glare reattach limbs wipe off blood change pants and underwear*

CHRIS: We got some sweet cash for killing that axe guy, Kirk. But you can't have any.

KIRK: ... ... ... Just go meet up with the redshirts. I'll be in the neighborhood if you need your asses saved again. KTHXBAI.

**Onto the next area**

DECHANT [on radio]: Kirk, our underground path is cut off and we need you toooooo!

**Chris and Sheva's audition for the cheerleading squad apparently. **

CHRIS/SHEVA: Ready? Okay! JUMP!

Chris gives Sheva's jump a boost so she can go up to the second floor of the jailhouse.

DECHANT [on radio through random static]: We found an enemy! We don't know what it is! Kirk, we need more 'splosions! OH MY GOD I CAN'T SEEEEEEEEEEE!

KIRK [on radio]: CAPTAIN WHAT IS IT? CAN YOU SEE IT?!

DECHANT: NO! BECAUSE THERE'S! MONSTERS! GRAAAAAFRAAAAAAGGGGUHHHH!

Chris and Sheva join in the yelling over the radio at members of their team who are now all obviously dead or soon to die but forget after a few minutes and keep going. More cheerleader reverse dismounts and partner gameplay tactics ensue until they reach the-

**Old Building**

A screeching blonde girl who thankfully is several clicks below Ashley Graham on the annoyance meter bursts out screaming for help. Apparently her name is Allyson but this doesn't matter because she'll already have been force-fed gillyweed by the time Chris and Sheva get inside.

ALLYSON: HEEEEELP!

MAJINI: *growls and pulls her back inside, possibly while uttering the Majini version of 'to die is to live'*

CHRIS: I got a SHOTGUN! ...oh yeah, wasn't there a screaming girl here a moment ago?

ALLYSON: Muhh...gurgle *faint*

CHRIS: *catches* Hey, what's wrong? I have no possible clue, having witnessed the crazies shove gillyweed down that first guy's throat or anything. It couldn't happen twice, right?

Allyson does the slow...head...raise of we-know-what's-coming and attempts to bite Chris's face off with her tentacled flower (I'm so sorry). Sheva intervenes and although Resident Evil 4 established that headsplitter plagas happen more frequently at night, Allyson becomes one just to establish that continuous continuity sucks and yes, there will be headsplitters in this game, only now they're called 'Cephalos'. Because Chris has a SHOTGUN, the Majini lose this round, too.

KIRK [over radio]: Hey, HQ, we lost contact with Alpha team. I'll just assume they aren't all dead yet and send Chris and Sheva in to see whut's goin' on.

Chris and Sheva agree to this because they're new to the whole action-oriented Resident Evil thing. And also because if they didn't there wouldn't be a game. Eventually they come to a building with holes in it. A lot of holes. They go in to investigate.

NAMELESS ALPHA TEAM MEMBER: *walk walk deathslump*

CHRIS: Whoa, all the nameless guys are dead except for the captain over there, who probably just stayed alive to pass along some random clue so we know where to go from here! So, who was it?

DECHANT: It was...something. We don't know what.

CHRIS: ... ... ...

DECHANT: Oh yeah and Irving got away. Here, I mixed this sweet playlist for you. The monster ate my iPod otherwise I'd just give you that. Get it to...HQ...right awayghghghg...

DeChant hands Chris a CD that has data about the deal they were going to make or intercept or whatever. It's important. I guess they don't know how to use flash drives. Anyways, he predictably dies since it just doesn't pay to be a plot messenger in this game. To remind us that Sheva exists, she notices someone moving past the window.

CHRIS: ! DECHA-Ah, fuck it. Ready to go?

SHEVA: I saw someone but they ran away!

CHRIS [basically ignores this]: *gets on radio* Kirk? Alpha team has fulfilled the 'go here and die now' mission parameter and I got DeChant's favorite playlist from that apparently contains some interesting plot point or mission important info. Or porn. And Irving's not here.

KIRK: Maybe we should've stuck you in a jail cell for the duration of this game too, Watermelon Arms. Whatever. Go here, do this. Got it?

CHRIS: ... ... ...

Sheva and Chris leave the room, head to an elevator and find their way to boss placeholder #2. Or #1 if the Executioner is considered anything more than a mid-boss. YMMV.

**Incinerator Area**

Chis and Sheva wander a bit, find a key, notice hey-there's-fire-and-lots-of-bodies and are about move on when...

LEECHES: Leech leech leech! *piles on the dead bodies and I dunno, absorbs them or something*

SHEVA: What the hell is it? Oh btw I still exist.

Leeches become tentacles that suck up all the corpses into its tentacle-y body and eventually become our first Uroboros boss, although Chris and Sheva have no way of knowing it can be identified as such but as long as they can figure 1+1=2, they'll should be okay, right?

CHRIS: I think that's what got Alpha Team! ...Maybe. I'm not yet positive.

Sigh.

Chris and Sheva open fire uselessly, they dodge a tentacle and then think to themselves 'hmm..._FIRE...PARTNER...FIRE...PARTNER...'_ and lure the Uroboros boss into a few 'splosions and eventually the furnace itself before flipping on the gas to toast the monster and then discover that it was the doctor from the beginning who helped restore the power to the hospital all along...wait, sorry, Resident Evil. Chris and Sheva get on another elevator and are now at-

**The Storage Facility**

SECURITY CAMERA: *follows them*

Irving is hanging out in a red truck with Jill Valentine and and recording the footage on his laptop with a Tricell interface.

IRVING: *nasal* Let's go.

Jill Valentine: *driving surprisingly well despite a bird mask and obscuring hood*

**Back to the main characters**

CHRIS: I got it.

SHEVA: ...got what?

Chris somehow finds a laptop in one of the parked vehicles and uploads DeChant's playlist. Instead of awesome tuneage he finds out that the monster was planted by Irving to massacre the less-capable Alpha Team.

SHEVA: If only we'd gotten there sooner!

CHRIS: Why, so we could be dead too? Someone's gotta carry this thing to the end. HQ, Come in!

HQ: Yeah, good work and stuff. We'll get right on checking out that playlist you sent. Amazingly solid Wi-Fi out there, huh?

CHRIS: Look, forget about this part of Africa. I remembered that the people here are just like those creepy guys in Notspain that Leon apparently made a widely published and totally nonclassified book report on. Except, DIFFERENT. Stronger. Better. Harry Potter fans.

SHEVA: We're out of cab money too. Requesting a mission update and some new wheels.

HQ: Capture Irving. We think he went to some mines or something. And you're walking. Peace. Over and out!

CHRIS: GO in ALONE? MINES?! I'm scared of the DAAAAAAAARK!

HQ: Sheesh, fine. We dispatched Delta team and I'm sure they'll catch up any minute or day now. They'll help out or just flat-out show up and die. Now get shufflin'.

SHEVA: *joins the whining*

HQ: QUIT BEING PUSSIES AND GO CAPTURE IRVING. GOOD. BYE.

SHEVA: ... ... ... Nuts.

CHRIS: They totally don't give a shit about us! Good thing we're main characters.

Since fully qualified BSAA members apparently grow on trees and HQ doesn't care about potentially losing two more in spite of _having an entire squad massacred_, Chris and Sheva head to-

**Storage Facility, next chapter**

SHEVA: I got an SMG!

CHRIS: Yeah, better let me hang onto that. THANKS.

**Outside**

Chris and Sheva navigate a maze of shipping containers. The splitterhead dogs from Silent Hill are here and more Majini. They open up a large gate with more _PARTNER_ stuff and begin hanging out in a large open so totally not an obvious ambush area.

LARGE TRUCK: HONK HONK COMIN' THROUGH.

CHRIS: I'm afraid I'll have to ticket you for that one...with BULLETS and RED BARRELS.

LARGE TRUCK: *'splodes*

MAJINI: *hordes*

Chris and Sheva run like hell for the sewers, taking out a few more Silent Hill dogs, presumably they go back to their own series after melting into the ground. Several villager corpses are ominously spread on the ground.

CORPSE: *twitch*

SHEVA: Um..

CHRIS: Something's coming!

All the corpses explode into the Air Screamers from the first Silent Hill, which brings the count of crossover monsters up to three if the Executioner is considered a bastardization of Pyramid Head. But these are totally different because they're not from the year of the pixel and have an African name-Kipepeo.

**Village by the harbor**

CHRIS: *loots a key from a hanging corpse inside a building*

MAJINI: *predictably hordes*

CHRIS/SHEVA: *alternate between killing and running away, heading onto a boat beyond the locked harbor gate*

KIRK: *flies in to save the day. Or die in minutes* Hey, you're still alive.

CHRIS: Wow, you care?

SHEVA: Thanks for noticing.

KIRK: Probably not, but I overheard on the radio how HQ didn't care and they told me to come here. So I guess they care. Kind of. So I'll shoot guys from up here and you shoot them from down there.

MAJINI: *again with the hording*

SHEVA: I got a RIFLE.

CHRIS: I was hoping I'd find one of those. I'll take it.

KIRK: *rocket launchers his way past everything, perhaps humming a jaunty tune as he does it*

**Shanty Town**

More spooky background nuttiness with skulls and blood splatters. The Majini are really fond of the Raider house theme.

KIRK: Stay cool, you're almost there. You know, wherever it is you're going. I'm sure you know. I'm not going to follow in the footsteps of the messengers before me by passing along a vital piece of info and then dying a grisly-

KIPEPEOS: *swarm the helicopter and somehow bring it down. Because flying monsters or not, it's probably not that easy to bring down a presumably armored helicopter when they could just fly evasively or chop them up with the rotor blades. Meh, one flew into the engine or something.*

KIRK: WTFADJFKLASRJIYRWGOINGDOWN!

CHRIS: Kirk! What's happening? I certainly didn't just see you fly overhead with a bunch of monsters attacking to your helicopter! I'll just pretend like I don't know what's going on!

HELICOPTER: *flies away and crashes offscreen*

HQ: Hi, we still exist too. And are worthless. The helicopter's been downed. Go check that out for us, kthnxbai.

CHRIS: No. Shit. We'll get right on that.

**Apartment Complex**

With Sheva up top and Chris below, they take out some more Majini and then head up some stairs to meet up with everyone's favorite superpowered enemy-the Chainsaw Majini. And he is CREEPY. He still has the sack over his head but only one eye shows. And if he's wearing blue pants, he plays dead after being "killed".

CHRIS/SHEVA: *killing Chainsaw Majini and several ordinary Majini* Wwwwwhere do they keep getting these things?!

The Guard's key is looted from Chainsaw's corpse. Chris and Sheva go to the crash site. Kirk may have survived had the Majini not chained him to a bunch of tires set on fire. But he is now dead, we hardly knew him like we hardly knew anyone else but now it's time for some button mashes because the Majini are driving motorcycles and swinging chains around like they're trying out to be the Parasitical African version of Hells Angels. Chris heroically leaps into harm's way and gets ankle-looped by a swinging chain and dragged.

SHEVA: *somehow shoots the chain link and breaks it*

CHRIS: *roll roll roll gasp stands up*

Motorcycle Majini: *barf out their tentacle mouth flowers to show off I guess*

CHRIS/SHEVA: *all over the button-mashing-dodge action*

SNIPER: *takes out all the Majini in such a way that one ends up flipping around and getting impaled on a pole, 'splosions, etc.*

In other words, Delta team has arrived and they're amazingly not useless. At least in cutscenes. One of them even lives to the end. Progress!

CHRIS: *hugs* Oh, I was so scared!

EVERYONE: *thoroughly disturbed*

CHRIS: Uh, I mean, glad to see you guys.

JOSH: Delta team, Captain Josh Stone. Surviving NPC. You?

CHRIS: Chris Redfield. Oh, and that's Sheva.

JOSH: I know. She's like a little sister or something.

SHEVA: Josh taught me everything I know!

CHRIS: Explains a lot. Idiot ball's in your court, Sheva! Ding!

ALL: ... ... ...

JOSH: Uh, yeah. Sheva, continue searching for Irving. Use the human wall as a meat shield if you have to. According to the data that's now gone viral video on the internets, Irving's in the mine. Here, have a flash drive. I'll be in touch and stuff.

CHRIS: Wow, a flash drive. Is there a playlist on here too?

SHEVA: ...

CHRIS: I hope it's compatible with this handy PDA I have on me that's survived everything so far. *plugin*

PDA: *shows picture of...JILL VALENTINE?!*

FLASHBACK: JILL. WESKER. CASTLE. WINDOW. CLIFF. STUPID SACRIFICE. DEATH?

CHRIS: ... So gypped. I had better pictures of Jill on my cell phone before it fell into the toilet.

SHEVA: So you wanna explain to the audience what happened to Jill anyway if she's dead or notdead? Because I have every reason to care this much.

CHRIS: Nope, not yet. Just wait for it, 'kay? It's totally good.

**Train Station**

CHRIS: So, any idea where these mines are? Is there gold in there? How about adamantium? Should I bring my hoe? And...are they dark?

SHEVA: Just follow me. I'm useful, you see. Not at all a gameplay element added during production since it's all about the online co-op these days.

Sheva and Chris fight their way through some more Silent Hill dogs, past some roadblocks, exploding trip wires and top it all off with more elevators.

SHEVA: Here's a giant lantern that will see us through. You carry it.

CHRIS: OHGODIT'SDARK.

SHEVA: So will you be giving me a better weapon now?

CHRIS: Will you be using something besides the _handgun?_ *glare*

They walk through the mines, bypass a few ambushes, wade through filthy mine water and then reach the main area where more _PARTNER_ antics are needed to crank open a gate while the other walks through it, rinse and repeat when the other person reaches the open area. Followed by more horde action, followed by more elevator action.

**Outside**

Instead of an elevator there's now a simple flight of stairs and it's about time. Chris and Sheva climb and bust through, waving their guns. Irving's inside and guess what, he's got a gun too. And standards. He quickly hides what he was looking at (it was probably porn) and whips around to face Chris and Sheva.

EVERYONE: *points guns and glares*

SHEVA: You're definitely Irving! *glare*

There is no way to describe the comedic level of Irving's accent, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Honestly, I have no idea if he's just ridden the short bus a LOT or is from some unheard of region where everyone talks like Smart Ass* in _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_.

IRVING: Perceptive, eerrntcha? *wiiiink*

SHEVA: ...

IRVING: I'm a businessman with ssstandaaahhhhrds!

CHRIS: Drop the gun! *glare*

IRVING: Oooooor...how about you drop yours?

NO ONE: *is going to drop their weapons*

Since it's apparently a really awkward standoff and no one's willing to shoot Pinstripe Boy in the kneecap, Jill Valentine makes the room all smoky probably because of her smokin' hot costume that we'll see later. Chris and Sheva both fall down to avoid...something? Bullets maybe? but Jill Valentine grabs Irving and pulls him out the window. Really, why didn't they at least wound him nonfatally? Did they forget that he lead an entire squad of their people into a monster trap?

JILL VALENTINE: *speaking a deeper voice so she isn't immediately recognized, of course* Hurry!

IRVING: HAHAHAHA! *magically vanishes*

CHRIS: ...BULLSHIT. Is that the best they could come up with? Seriously?

SHEVA: Yeah, that was kind of weird and lame. Let's just forget it ever happened. Anyway, looks like Irving has a..._partner_.

CHRIS: There must be something he was hiding. Which is probably something that no sane person wants to see. Ever.

Even with that in mind, Chris heads over to Irving's file and checks it out. Because apparently Jill Valentine didn't give him time to grab it. It turns out to be a map of the nearby oil fields with big red marks on them. Instead of assuming that this is where Irving buried his excess pirate treasure that Tricell and the BSAA apparently use for funding and heading off to the marshes with shovels, Chris decides to bring Delta team back in on this.

CHRIS: Hey Delts. Irving got away. Keep a look out for us, kthnx.

JOSH: Bummer. Know where he went?

CHRIS: Probably an oil field according to the random shit we found lying around.

JOSH: Okay, I'll send someone after him who can hopefully manage the task of capturing a cartoon accented nerd in striped hobo pants. Meet up with you wherever the hell I am now.

CHRIS: Cool. Oh hey, I got a BETTER RIFLE!

After a lot of ladder-climbing and yes more Majini killing action Chris and Sheva find themselves at a road/cliff...thing. They decide to split up to deal with the 4884932th horde. Thwarting the dynamite hold? throw? hold tactics of the enemy, they push a giant dumpster out of the way that once again Mr. I-Punch-Bouldersfield can't move by himself.

CHRIS/SHEVA: *charge!*

BATS: *spooked*

TRUCK: HONK HONK BOSS FIGHT DELIVERY SERVICE™! SIGN HERE PL-Ah, shit *crash*

POPOKARIMU: *emerge*

CHRIS: It's a bird, it's a...

SHEVA: D:

CHRIS: FINE. Let's hear what YOU got.

SHEVA: ...

CHRIS: YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

SHEVA: ... ... Let's trap it between us! It can't attack us from both ends, can it?!

POPOKARIMU: *does that*

SHEVA: You dropped these mines I picked them up for you lol

CHRIS: ... ... ... Just shoot the obvious weak spot underbelly. With something other than the friggin' handgun.

Popokarimu is eventually defeated but first it decides on a quick flight during which Chris pulls off a Bullet Time Finishing Move™ and sends it down the chasm. Although this seems like a may-or-may-not-be boss death since the killsplosion occurs a few feet away from the monster, this particular one doesn't show up for end of the level hijinx.

DAVE JOHNSON: *speeds up in a handy-dandy military all-terrain vehicle* Did someone order some wheels and a mission update?

**Savannah**

DAVE: I heard you were too pathetic to catch Nerd Boy. Sucks to be you.

SHEVA: SCREW. YOU. A whole team of guys failed to catch him too and are now dead IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. We're not giving up yet, so excuse me while I discuss our failure with HQ.

HQ: *probably leaning back and having a smoke after getting laid. Why not since they don't seem to do much of anything else?*

SHEVA: We found Delta team, who apparently decided to scatter all the fuck over the place. We're going to hit up the marshlands and find Irving in the oil fields!

HQ: Cool, whatever. Talk to you later. Maybe.

MORE BIKER MAJINI: *begin chase*

CHRIS: Oh look, we get to practice our drive-bys.

SHEVA: *readies handgun, looks determined*

CHRIS: Sigh.

Thankfully the pair instead use the mounted chain gun/assault rifle combo while Dave Johnson drives, bitches at them for having shitty aim, whines that the vehicle is falling apart and doesn't even think that road rage, ramming the motorcycles, slamming on the brakes, driving really slow to fuck with them, throwing the vehicle into reverse or even extreme offroad dodging might be an option as opposed to staying on the damn path so the big armored trucks with 8493284902 Majini aboard can flank them dangerously from both sides. Throw in the guns overheating if fired for too long plus some button-mashing to prevent Chris/Sheva/the truck's magically joined life meter from draining and it's one zany ride.

JOSH: *on radio* Thought I'd remind you I still exist too. Doing anything important?

CHRIS/SHEVA: *gunning down motorcycle Majini, ducking arrows, responding to QTE prompts, blowing up armored trucks* Oh not at _all._ Please continue with your oh-so-vital interruption. (Like we don't already know where we're going and what we're doing when we get there).

JOSH: LOOK I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THEY AREN'T ZOMBIES, THEY'RE CALLED MAJINI. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH UROBOROS. SO FIND IRVING, HE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS.

CHRIS/SHEVA: *too busy for Captain Obvious snark*

JOSH: *back on the radio* OH NOES WE'RE BEING ATTACKED HELP HQ HELP I ONLY HAVE A HANDGUN.

HQ: Yeah, we'll get right on that. Just stay where you are and try not to die.

DAVE: Let's hurry u-NO LET'S SLOW DOWN, TRUCK, DEAD AHEAD DO SOMETHING.

CHRIS/SHEVA: ... *blow it up*

DAVE: HE'S TRYING TO RAM US INTO THE RIVER DO SOMETHING.

CHRIS/SHEVA: ... ... *and again*

DAVE: BIKERS ARE STILL CHASING US AND THE BRIDGE IS BROKEN DO SOMETHING.

CHRIS/SHEVA: ... ... ... **D:**

DAVE: ...Fine. I'll do something.

Dave finally shuts up and steps on it firreals this time and jumps the gap. The Majinis in their smaller and lighter motorcycles of course don't stand a chance and just come to a dead stop, look pissed off or brake at the last second and drive off the gap and gee this isn't like Ashley and Leon escaping into the castle and leaving the pissed off villagers stranded on the other side _at all_. At least at some point it stops feeling like RE4's plot and gameplay was the blueprint for this game. They make it to the next village and drive slowly past all the dead bodies of Delta team. Josh might be dead but who knows and who cares at this point. Except for Sheva, who actually questions what could have possibly killed everyone despite Josh's urgent calls for help about being under attack and outnumbered. All three blunder out and a few moments later the ground starts to shake.

JEEP: *goes flying through the air*

DAVE: *squished under the Resident Evil Version of the Cave Troll 2.0's mighty foot* Usefulness...fulfilled...guhh... *dies*

Chris and Sheva decide they can't possibly take out this latest upgrade of cave troll unless they jump back on that mounted machine gun action and refuse to move from the vehicle probably due again to the truck's life force being connected with their own. So they shoot it. Lots of times. A few Majini spawn and respawn on the sidelines. It shows its weak spot, hides it, throws boulders, swings trees and/or phone poles, attempt to charge, shows the weak spot again and then eventually dies. As it does it tries to land on the truck. Chris and Sheva jump out. And this is not fun at all, especially on the hardest difficulty the game has to offer.

SHEVA: *picking up dogtags from a dead redshirt* Josh, are you really dead? (PS: I don't care at all about any of these other guys.)

CHRIS: We could look around for his body if you want to go ahead and solve that mystery. (RE: It's okay, me either.)

SHEVA: If you can have a dead partner subplot then I can too!

CHRIS: Uh, okay. So you want to keep doing this thing?

SHEVA: What are _you_ going to do? 'Cause I think we should say fuckit and go home.

CHRIS: Well _my_ dead partner subplot needs resolved and that's the only thing keeping me going at this point. (No clue why you gave up on yours right away.)

SHEVA: So are you going to shed some light on that now or what?

CHRIS: I guess so. Remember that picture from the file Delta team gave us?

SHEVA: You don't even know if it was the same person!

CHRIS: I DO KNOW BECAUSE WE WERE BFF PARTNERS FOREVER AND I'M WALKING AWAY FROM YOUR INCONSISTENCY NOW.

SHEVA: No wait I wanna come and have a dead partner subplot too!

CHRIS: Yeah, well, I'm in a hurry.

SHEVA: And my people are dying so that makes me want to keep going too! I almost forgot that!

CHRIS: No more mission, just you and me, temporary BFFs until I find Jill.

SHEVA: Nuh-uh, we're partners forevs now.

CHRIS: ... ... If you've made up your mind already, FINE, then let's GO.

**Marshlands**

CHRIS: Hey, a convenient airboat. I'll drive. You shoot.

SHEVA: Fine, but I'm going to ask you again about your partner subplot now. BECAUSE THE SUSPENSE IS TOO MUCH AND MUST BE RESOLVED. NOW.

CHRIS: Okay, _fine._ Jill and I were trying to find this guy, Albert Wesker. He owed us money or something...

**Sepia-toned Castle Flashback**

CHRIS/JILL: *no longer sepia* Hey look we're in Spencer's castle in the sky!

CHRIS VOICEOVER: Wesker was a top official with Umbrella. I'm not exactly sure what he did other than pose in a labcoat for a dramatic reveal in the first Resident Evil towards endgame. This means he was also the leader of our S.T.A.R.S. unit for some reason. I saw him again after Raccoon City on Rock Fort Island. Then I went on a bender and lost track of him for about ten years or something.

CHRIS/JILL: *walking down a hallway* Do de do, lookin' for Spencer, gonna find totally unexpected Wesker instead...do de do.

CHRIS VOICEOVER: After I got over my hangover, someone tipped us off to where the founder of Umbrella was hanging out ever since ever. Jill and I decided to go hang out with him and see if he'd tell us where Wesker is.

CHRIS/JILL: We bust through your door and...!

WESKER: *standing over dead Spencer* Oh, fancy meeting you two here.

CHRIS: Weskurrrrr!

Chris and Jill fire many useless bullets. Wesker calmly dodges them as he approaches to deliver a beat-down on Chris's face, grab Jill by the neck, gets punched in the FACE, dodges some more and even more and then oh noes Jill is out of useless bullets but still has her knife which is just as useless since she gets thrust-punched into a bookshelf. Chris ends up in the next stranglehold and pretty much gives up at this point.

JILL: NO TAKE ME INSTEAD.

WESKER: NO LET'S FINISH THIS.

JILL: NO I SAID WE DO IT MY WAY. *tackles Wesker with a little too much ease and sends them both plummeting out the window and down the cliffside.*

CHRIS: JILLLLLL...!

**Back in the Present**

CHRIS: ...so no one ever found Jill's body to know if she was dead firreals but we went ahead and assumed she was. But since I saw someone who looked just like her, except blonde for some reason, this means I have to find out if she's dead or notdead.

SHEVA: Sounds like you two were close, did you, ever, you know...?

CHRIS: Did you see my alternate costumes? We were partners. That's all. 'kay? So why'd you join the BSAA? We should probably give you some characterization while we're driving around out here.

SHEVA: Oh, you know, this, that, parents killed, bioweapons courtesy of Umbrella certainly involved, the whole thing was a test for their experiments and someone's gonna PAY FOR THAT. But I'm not a totally awesome superhero like you. Good enough?

CHRIS: Not really. Anyways, I'm the same as always! Not ridiculously overpowered or anything. Which means you're totally a part of this, got it?

SHEVA: *readies handgun, looks determined* Right. Let's make a stand for our...

CHRIS: Uh, later. We're here now. AIRBOAT FLY.

**Marshland Village**

SHEVA: Whoa, a file! Oh, and a BSAA agent killed dead with spears. What's up with that?

CHRIS: So, this file says that there might be a survivor from Delta team. Gee, wonder who that could be?

SHEVA: Shhh!

CHRIS: I mean, oh look, here's a piece of an emblem we need to progress!

More airboat driving around occurs, Chris and Sheva head to the next island, consisting of a bunch of huts on stilts. A bunch of angry natives flood the scene and brilliant observations are made.

CHRIS: _They're infected._

SHEVA: Inorite? _Who could've done this?_

CHRIS: Probably Irving. Since, you know, he's our only lead on anything at this point. Or Wesker if there was any future payoff to that flashback involving him. (And you know there is.)

SHEVA: ... ... ...

They find the next emblem, get on the boat again and head to the next island where they run into some crossbows-on-fire-like opposition and retractable spike doors that prevent their leaving. Chris drives, Sheva shoots, etc., etc., bitches when he drives too fast, apparently forgetting what just happened to Dave Johnson a chapter ago. They fulfill the 'kill the most out of reach enemy' requirement for the spiked gate to drop. They head to another island and discover they must swim with alligators and kill more restless natives to retrieve the last piece of the emblem. By they time they finish with this, Irving could've gotten on a plane and flown around the world twice. But no.

After the key item placement hijinx, Chris and Sheva hike through a muddy river to get to another not-empty village. After 'hey, I got a MAGNUM oh shit it's a trap' the pair face down another horde of crazed villagers and a couple mid-bosses and then crank their way to the next area after reading an ominous diary entry sitting on a table because we had no idea anything was wrong in the village at this point. Any day now: Irving. But first, a gondola ride over to...

**Execution Grounds**

After Chris and Sheva disembark, they notice the corpse of a Delta team soldier hung out for giant crocodile bait, more deja-vu with Resident Evil 4's Cop Dos' dead body being dumped in the lake for Del Lago. But this is totally different because the only challenge here is QTEs and slow cranking action. Thanks Capcom. The pair take out whatever Majini are in their path, the Majini react by raising the drawbridge and forcing more partner cranking QTE action. After the massacre, Chris and Sheva make their way through a short cave tunnel to the...

**Oil Fields**

SHEVA: Tents? With the Tricell logo?!

CHRIS: Hey, those guys fund the BSAA. What are THEY doing here?!

SHEVA: Eh, nevermind. Hey, we're at the oil fields!

CHRIS: Right. No way Irving will escape for the 49320849032thtime! _I'm looking at him right now._

Except naturally to reach Irving Chris and Sheva have to solve a brain teaser or get burned by fire. After turning some valves and killing some more of the regular natives, they come to a door barred shut. Because nothing bad can happen from opening a door, they keep on going.

CHAINSAW MAJINI: *arrives on scene*

SHEVA: OMG. DO NOT WANT.

CHRIS: ZIPLINE TO SAVE THE DAAAAY. *zip* Oh hey, look another lever. *pull*

CHAINSAW MAJINI #2: *comes to ruin the day*

SHEVA: _ANOTHER ONE?! _(Never would have seen it coming)

After the Chainsaw Majinis are dispatched and the flames turned off, they go indoors to conveniently meet up with Josh again.

SHEVA: Josh?

JOSH: Sheva?

SHEVA: JOSH.

JOSH: SHEVA.

**Charlotte! Jonathan!**

SHEVA: Wow, my dead partner subplot couldn't even be called anti-climatic. So how'd you escape and get here before us anyway?

JOSH: We were attacked. I escaped. I ended up here. Look, how isn't important. So did anyone else make it or did I just make myself look like a deserting asshole who leaves everyone else on my squad to die?

SHEVA/CHRIS: *exchange significant glance*

JOSH: ...

SHEVA: It's just the three of us now!

CHRIS: ...except a second stupid AI partner would be too much to handle so you're going to go away for the rest of the game pretty soon.

JOSH: How 'bout we all get the hell out of here instead? We're no match for them!

CHRIS: Maybe SOME of us aren't. Besides, I still have to rescue my favorite MacGuffin. Say, I wonder if that's why they made Jill a blonde...? Because Ashley...or maybe because Sherry...ah, never mind. Gotta catch Irving and find out what the hell's going on with that flashback backstory anyway.

SHEVA: Look, Chris wants to find his MacGuffin, I'm with him. I'll call you later when I get dumped in favor of Jill.

MAJINI: *feeling left out so they ATTACK*

JOSH: ...We can probably talk about this later *readies computer-door-panel hacking skills, looks determined* COVER ME!

SHEVA/CHRIS: *DEFENSIVE STANCE!*

CHRIS: Try to hurry it up there.

JOSH: *apparently blogging really fast to get the door open* Keep covering me! I'm disabling the elevator's lock!

MAJINI: *hoooooorde attacks and fails*

JOSH: Good work and stuff. There'll probably be more so keep covering while I post on tumblr.

MAJINI: *show up more*

SHEVA: _Would you hurry it up?! Chris and I could've kicked that door in 84930249032 times by now!_

JOSH: FINE. DONE. Get on the elevator so I can do the exact same thing upstairs! Maybe update my Facebook this time... *typetypetypetype*

CHRIS: OHSHIT CHAINSAW.

JOSH: THIS INTERNET IS SLOW AND SHIT ALL RIGHT?! THERE, IT'S OPEN. FORGET KILLING TO REAP SWEET MID-BOSS CASH, WE MUST GO.

Chris, Sheva and Josh escape the horde by...closing the same door they went through.

JOSH: So, you good and stuff?

CHRIS/SHEVA: Oh just _wonderful._

JOSH: Great, then I can get out of here now and do who-knows-what until the end of the game. Oh and since I'm a surviving character too, I'm not afraid to tell you that Irving is going to blow up the place and escape. Again. I'll find a way out of here or something.

CHRIS: We could just follow Irving since his escaping would be..._a way out of here. And we've been trying to capture him for this entire game._

SHEVA/JOSH: ...

CHRIS: *sigh* Or we do it your way. Which is fine because if not we'd be stuck with another worthless AI possibly for the rest of the game.

JOSH: Goody. There's a dock up ahead. That's where I'll be and stuff.

SHEVA: Be careful, and stuff. Since sticking together in this dangerous situation is something for real life!

CHRIS: Yeah, let's hurry this along now.

Chris and Sheva take a tour of the docks and do some looting until Sheva points out Irving's mid-size battle-yacht that Chris apparently glanced over since he didn't head right for it. Jill Valentine escapes in a speedboat because we don't need to confirm that she's been here all along just yet. Sheva spots her as well and points her out but it's not important so Irving pops up to totally distract everyone from this.

IRVING: *possibly contemplating mooning the pair as he makes yet another stupidly easy escape-which would be right in line with his goofy-as-shit dialogue...that I honestly cannot out-silly, especially with the image of it being spoken by Smart Ass. Sorry.* _Splendid timing! Youse two are just in time for the fireworks show! Boom!_ Battle-yacht awaaay!

**Okay, so maybe I added that last part.**

CHRIS: *glare* _That guy sucks, I hate him and will enjoy killing him many times over in replays._

SHEVA: We won't even get to do it once if the latest horde has anything to say about it, so maybe we should...?

JOSH: *running towards a small motorboat* Cue song, I got a BOAT. Sheva, Chris, you might want to get over here before I take off. Due to, uh, fear of explosions and not because I leave people to die for undefined reasons.

Normal Majini, Fat Guy Majini and more splitterhead Silent Hill dogs stand between Chris and Sheva _finally_ catching up to Irving. Oh and escaping death in a fiery inferno. Josh bitches once or twice over the radio to tell Chris to use a map if he can get lost trying to follow a basically linear path to the boat and whines that killing enemies is _hard_. Both heroes and Josh make it in time to watch the oil fields blow up, apparently safe a mere hundred feet from the blast. Once it's over they realize they should maybe catch up to Irving or something.

**Drilling Facilities**

JOSH: So, where'd Irving go? Logic dictates I should've been able to see what happened the same as you guys, but... *shrug*

CHRIS/SHEVA: *exchange glance, lower heads in shame*

JOSH: Uh, well...don't feel bad. It's not like he could've gotten far. How fast do battle-yachts go anyway?

CHRIS: Yeah, thanks. I guess.

FLAMING ARROW: *hits boat*

JOSH: SHIT THEY'RE ON BOATS TOO COVER ME.

CHRIS/SHEVA: GOT IT.

Wacky boat-chase hijinx ensue since we needed basically a rinse and repeat of the truck/biker chase except on water because it was so much fun the first time. This is thankfully brief and..hey, wait a minute, how did Irving get a battle-yacht through here anyway? _Are these guys even remotely going in the same direction as the guy they're supposed to be chasing/capturing? Do they even care about actually catching him before the game comes to a close?_

JOSH: Dammit, gate! Go open it! I'll just sit here and remain miraculously unharmed by the Majini flinging around flaming arrows and molotov cocktails.

CHRIS/SHEVA: *open the gate with _PARTNER_ tactics*

JOSH: Okay, let's g-SHIT, PIPE. DUCK. AGAIN. ANOTHER GATE, GO OPEN IT.

The Majini briefly complicate matters with a pair of gun turrets but _PARTNER_ tactics prevail and the gate is opened.

CHRIS: I got a SHOTGUN. A better SHOTGUN.

SHEVA: Can I have your old shotgun?

CHRIS: Maybe when you grow up.

JOSH: ... Since I somehow know this Irving is somewhere...around...here...let's go get him!

**The Patrol Boat**

LAKE: *is foggy*

IRVING'S BATTLE-YACHT: *is OUT OF NOWHERE*

JOSH: SHIT! *spin*

CHRIS/SHEVA: AHH WATCH IT.

JOSH: *too late, crashes anyway*

MAJINI: *fires turret gun from above*

CHRIS: Damn it, if the crash didn't sink us, that guy will!

SHEVA: What do we do?!

CHRIS: Hold on, I saw this in _Pirates of the Carribean_. We walk on the ocean floor with the boat over our heads and somehow it doesn't fill with water. Then we board the ship and steal it by pretending we want to steal the _other_ ship!

SHEVA/JOSH: ... ...

CHRIS: *sigh* Fine, let's just get on the battle-yacht. Josh, you're useless now, just like before, but we're not going to kill you off. GTFO and we'll give you a call when we need you later in the game, 'kay?

IRVING: *watches them and has a flashback*

**This probably happened two minutes ago or less.**

JILL VALENTINE: So, you got a plan? 'Cause I can't stick around and smoke you out of this one, nerd. I've got to catch the boat to a future chapter in a few.

IRVING: You're just one of Excella's playthings!

YURI FANS: o.o;; *sit up, take notice*

JILL VALENTINE: *throatgrabwallpin* WHAT'S YOUR FREAKIN' PLAN?

IRVING: FINE. I'll handle it.

CAMERA: *pans over a suitcase full of gold bars because it's important? Or because Irving really does have pirate treasure hidden around*

JILL VALENTINE: It's dangerous to go alone! Take this! *hands over syringe of BOSSFIGHTVIRUS*

IRVING: Clearly a completely flawless plan! *accepts*

**End Flashback**

IRVING: WHY won't you just DIE? You make me look baaaaad! I'm not going to be just another forgotten silly villain because...I HAVE THIS! HAHAHAHA! *holds up syringe of BOSSFIGHTVIRUS*

SHEVA: NO YOU FOOL. _THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU BECOME A FORGOTTEN SILLY VILLAIN._

Chris and Sheva raise their pistols as Irving injects himself. Although Sheva can shoot a chain that's attached to a motorcycle and dragging a guy at high speeds and Chris is...uh, Chris, neither are apparently capable of even thinking of discharging a bullet in his general direction to make the nerd drop the syringe or wet his pants. And so, Irving becomes the Kraken because they had one in the second movie of the _Pirates of the Carribean_ quadrilogy and it was cool or something.

IRVING: NO I AM TOTALLY MY OWN ORIGINAL MONSTER DESIGN! *tentaclesplodes and sea-dives*

CHRIS: Wow, this is a big river-lake-ocean-thing to handle a high-speed battle-yacht Kraken boss fight chase, huh?

IRVING: *surfaces* EXTREME MAKOVERRRR! *dives*

JOSH: *over radio* CHRIS. SHEVA. GIVE ME YOUR REPORT ON WHAT THE HELL THAT IS?

CHRIS: Just a monster ripped from popular media and another throwback to Resident Evil 4. We're on it. But you should go because you only have a handgun.

SHEVA: I only have a handgun! Can I go too?

CHRIS: No, need you for partner BS.

JOSH: 'Kay, good luck, try not to die, etc.

SHEVA: Look, he transformed really fast. He must have a weakness. *looks around for an infinite supply of harpoons*

CHRIS: Yeah, he's probably weak to mounted explosion launching machine guns attached to the ship. Like those right over there.

Chris and Sheva fight the Irving the Monster, he takes damage, he regenerates and occasionally flashes his weakpoint at them. Since this involves vulnerable tentacles, lots of tongue and annoying nerd laughter, let's just skip to the big finish, 'kay? Tongue-Irving is severed from the rest of his Kraken body and lies flopping on the ship deck.

**OMG Jill**

CHRIS: Tell me what you're going to do!

IRVING: Besides die because Excella apparently gave me the generic offbrand of the BOSSFIGHTVIRUS?

CHRIS: ...

SHEVA: Excella?

CHRIS: No, let's talk about Jill again instead. *shows Irving her picture* WHERE IS THIS FACILITY SO HELP ME GOD I WILL KILL YOU MORE IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME. Also, WTF is "Uroboros"?

IRVING: You BSAA are good! But I'm still not going to answer your questions. The world is changing, no one can stop it, go to the caves...blaaaaargh.

SHEVA: CHRIS. I say your name so Irving can keep not telling us what's going on.

IRVING: OH YOU'RE CHRIS. OKAY. TEEHEHHEHEHE. Dying's not that bad! You're the one that's screwed! So go to the caves.

CHRIS: FINE. I'm putting an end to... *points gun at Irving*

SHEVA: *gunshove* Chris...

IRVING: *already dead*

CHRIS: Despite his mocking me to the end, I somehow feel sorry for the little guy now.

SHEVA: So do you think we should walk into what should be a trap but actually is the way forward?

CHRIS: *NOD*

**Caves**

Hey, look, Josh is back for this cutscene. Since Chris telling him to beat it while they fought the boss was too abrupt of an exit considering he doesn't show up for a long time and they felt the need to make it seem like he was off doing something important until that time. Or they needed someone to drive the boat into the next chapter.

SHEVA: *points at existing boat* That's the boat Jill Valentine got away in!

CHRIS: Yep, that makes this the place Irving was talking about. Why Jill Valentine is here exactly or how she got so far ahead of us, I don't know.

JOSH: So you two are really going to go ahead and...do what exactly?

SHEVA: Oh, find Jill, uncover the details of the Uroboros project, blah, etc...

JOSH: Since I find it reasonable to search for an alleged dead woman and follow up on an supposed rumor, I'll go tell HQ it's cool and see if I can assemble more cannon fodder. Try not to die.

SHEVA: Irving said a name. Excella.

CHRIS: Okay. And?

SHEVA: So that's the Director of Tricell here in Africa. Shouldn't you know this since Tricell funds the BSAA?

CHRIS: I still think it's only a possibility that she's connected to Irving at this point so... no.

SHEVA: And hearing it come straight from the source last chapter ago isn't considered proof enough. Or all these files we've collected.

CHRIS: Plus I have no idea what any of this could mean for Africa. I mean, what's left of it that's not infected. How much of this damn continent have we covered? Are we even still IN Africa? That was a long boat trip.

SHEVA: This is why we keep going. To find out stuff that we sort of already know, have witnessed firsthand and should really have enough supporting evidence of is now just as important as finding out if Jill really is notdead.

**Ruins**

SHEVA: Wow, never noticed this in Africa before.

CHRIS: My muscles tell me there's been some recent activity.

SHEVA: Sure hope Irving wasn't lying about finding answers just to lure us into a deadly trap or anything.

**Bridge Trap - Just Ahead.**

SHEVA: Do de do crossin' this bridge, do de do...

MAJINI: *pillarshove*

PILLAR: *bridgesmash*

SHEVA: *quickdive*

CHRIS: ... ... **GLARE.**

MAJINI: *horde*

SHEVA: I, er...oops. I'll just provide cover until this brief contrived separation is resolved.

CHRIS: I hate my job.

Chris does most of the work while Sheva kinda-sorta covers him from above. After some heavy tomb-lid pushing action they finally discover the trap portion of this trap in the form of a trapdoor. And there are more hordes below. Doors are opened, large crank handles are turned.

**Trap Part Two**

CHRIS: !

SHEVA: Is that...?

CHRIS: _The giant balls of twine on fire from _Troy_._

Sheva wonders what they are, wisely decides that they should be avoided and shouts that the door is closing. Chris is already through the door and standing on the pressure plate to deactivate them and keep the door open.

SHEVA: You move fast.

CHRIS: **GLARE.**

The heroes, not having learned their lesson that pressure plates are bad and everything around them is a trap, decide not to watch their step as they blunder down the latest corridor. Pillars fall, they run, floors collapse, they run some more but this time it's Chris who doesn't make the last jump and Sheva helps him up to prove she is definitely useful after all. More daredevil antics from popular action movies are further worn out as they just barely make it through the door as it closes. A dead end hallway with two pull-chains presents itself. This one strangely enough isn't a trap and pulling them just opens the sliding panel in front of them.

**Labyrinth**

SHEVA: Wow, a grenade launcher. I've always wanted..

CHRIS: In your dreams. Start yankin'.

Chris and Sheva do all sorts of PARTNER chain pulling, which moves statues, swings staircases like in freaking Hogwarts, reveals stuff, triggers more hording, and when the final chain is pulled, a big EXIT LEVEL staircase is revealed. But not before a Popokarimu is dropped on them for the second time.

CHRIS/SHEVA: ...Fuuuuuck this. *head for the exit*

**Look, it's Wesker.**

EXCELLA: Preparations (for what?) almost complete. Then we can get out of here (and go where?). *injects a plot important syringe into Wesker's arm.*

WESKER: *won't be elaborating on any of this* GOOD. 8-|

EXCELLA: I was surprised that 4 Resident Evil Las Plagas would work out but here we are, actually following up on it story-line wise.

WESKER: Yeah, great. I'm sure you'll have a bright future in Tricell, etc.

EXCELLA: ... Except I was thinking, you know, you and me, doing this whole take-over-and-destroy-the-world virus thing together, maybe you'd want to keep being...partners. Maybe more if you know what I mean. Rowr.

WESKER: *Does a total makeout?fakeout burn* 8-| Maybe.

JILL VALENTINE: Hey, remember the BSAA? They're totally here. Right now.

EXCELLA: Oh look, your old friend Chris isn't dead yet. Worried?

WESKER: No because I'm going to inject you and watch as you turn into a horrific monstrosity just to set him back a couple paces not going to tolerate delays. Go solve the problem.

Excella leaves with Jill Valentine and Wesker's stash of plot points while Wesker hangs back and has...you guessed it, a flashback.

**Flashback - Spencer's Castle**

SPENCER: *dying of oldness, held together with tubes and confined to a wheelchair* A new world...superhumans...with viruses...that make zombies...and then you...somehow make me a GOD.

WESKER: *talking into Spencer's ear for dramatic effect. Or assuming that he's stone deaf because he's at least 1000 years old* That right is now mine. *killpunch*

**Back In The Present**

WESKER: I believe I should thank you, Spencer.

**Enough With The Damn Lasers Already**

Chris and Sheva are still hangin' out in the ruins. Some Majini up on high channel light through glass and somehow make it into a laser that patrols the corridors and burns intruders. Because that's how that works.

SHEVA: That's completely impressively awesome and not SOMETHING THAT CAN BURN US ALIVE PAINFULLY.

Chris and Sheva dodge this latest obstacle by...hiding in little niches and running away really fast while fighting a bunch of Majini not smart enough to stay out of the way of their own trap. Cue the emblem hunt and inserting them into a specific location to leave the area.

**Tomb**

Once inside, the door slams shut on them and they have to play laser tag with mirrors and sliding pedestals to escape. Fun.

SHEVA: There's a trick to it! Be careful while you're playing around with those, I'll just be up here not helping in the least but also not getting in the way either.

CHRIS: ... *gets to work and eventually reveals a lift*

SHEVA: Hey, it worked. We done now? Standing there was getting boring.

CHRIS: **GLARE.**

After going down the lift, Sheva makes more brilliant observations.

SHEVA: Look, a bunch of pillars that's in our way. I think we can knock them over. And by we, I mean you.

CHRIS: **GLARE.**

More of the laser puzzle is revealed which reveals another lift once solved. And then more lasers. Once THOSE are solved, another lift and this time ENEMIES OH NOES. But also treasure. Once done with this nonsense, they find themselves in

**Underground Garden**

Yes, Chris and Sheva are in the world's first and only subterrranean greenhouse. What.

CHRIS: All that and we get a bunch of stupid flowers? What a rip-off.

SHEVA: More importantly, why are these flowers, you know, not dead from being 48932894032 levels worth of laser puzzles and moving platforms underground?

CHRIS: _They are clearly no ordinary flower._ I sense this with...uh...with... Hey, look, an Umbrella Logo! See? I was right!

SHEVA: Shouldn't you be a little _more_ upset at seeing that? And why would that be here anyway?

CHRIS: I only have the answers when it's convenient. Clearly no one has been here in a long time.

SHEVA: I agree with your slightly random assessment and will lamely observe this place obviously wanted to be kept secret.

CHRIS: Yeah, great detective work. Look, the Tricell logo is here too.

SHEVA: _Could they be working together?!_

**New Chapter, Same Location**

CHRIS: This is ALL WE GET for going on the words of a dying nerd? THIS IS LAME.

SHEVA: And the whole connection with Umbrella is most likely bad too.

CHRIS: Let's worry about that later because there's no way it would be really important to me now. Back to my finding Jill obsession! (Must run in the family.)

SHEVA: Then let's see what we can "dig" up! Ha! Ha! Get it? Because we're in a garden!

CHRIS: ... ... ... ... MUST FIND JILL NOW.

**From A Huge Underground Garden To A Research Lab, Apparently.**

Down the hall Chris and Sheva find a file from a researcher who says that the Progenitor Virus that the T-virus was built from originated in the flowers. Seriously, what? In spite of the facility appearing to be in pretty good shape and almost brand new, it was apparently closed a while ago. But someone's been watering that garden and making upkeep a priority so whatever. Chris and Sheva don't question any of this (much) and keep on going.

**Hey look, something's crawling around in the ceiling**

Chris and Sheva are briefly thwarted by a pile of stuff in the hallway. They go around. Excitement, suspense and horror builds?

**Deeper in the Lab**

Once inside, Chris and Sheva take note of more flowers in tanks full of liquid. Sheva brilliantly observes that they must be making something out of the flowers. Could it be more virus? No, she doesn't even speculate that much. Chris only cares about the fact that this is the facility from the picture that he saw Jill in. How does he know that when the picture only showed her face? Good question.

**We're finally getting somewhere?**

After messing around on the computers they find, Chris and Sheva keep on going and find overwhelming evidence that there are monsters around by massive bloodstains and giant claw marks in the walls. Unconcerned, they pull a lever, break some glass, and find a warehouse of caged animals. Then a Licker attacks them.

CHRIS: Good thing there was only one! _Am I right_?

SHEVA: Yep, we sure wouldn't stand a chance against a whole horde of them! Look, an assault rifle! Can I...

CHRIS: Kickass. I was getting tired of using this shotgun.

**There's A Whole Horde Of Them.**

SHEVA: THEY DON'T NOTICE US.

CHRIS: THEY ARE WEAK.

SHEVA: SO LET'S BE REALLY QUIET OKAY?

CHRIS: YOU'RE THE ONE BEING LOUD.

Chris and Sheva sneak by the lickers and all seems to be going well until they need to kick down a door to proceed. Since this is still Resident Evil, that's what they do. High-tailing it to the elevator, which naturally in an abandoned facility takes an obscenely long time to arrive - are the Majini somehow using it as well? - they are forced to face the horde. Once that's done they enter the safe room and read the graffiti on the wall for a while, replenish their health kits and ammo supplies, maybe shout "RELOADING!" as they pick out a new weapon or two before proceeding onto-no wait, they get on the elevator and are now at:

**Experimental Facility**

CHRIS: What the hell?

SHEVA: I know, right? Where does this facility get it's power? How come no one's noticed it before now? Who works here and where are they? Who runs it? If it's been around for so long, how come everything's all nice and shiny? And what are they even making nowadays if the T-virus is gone out of style?

CHRIS: ...That's not what I meant.

In the middle of the chamber is a large round platform that's also an elevator. It apparently services all 4932809423 floors of this place. Geez, no wonder the ruins ran so deep. All around the walls are a lot of human-sized pods. Whatever could be inside?

SHEVA: Looks familiar. Like the pictures, yanno?

CHRIS: Then Jill might be here after all!

Without any time to ponder that maybe Chris wasn't as certain of Jill's whereabouts earlier as he was letting on, a bunch of emergency sirens go off. Since it's a little early for the self-destruct sequence - OR IS IT? - this means that one of the pods is opened up and the body from inside is unceremoniously dumped out to fall to the bottom. Maybe this is a daily thing and everyone that works here is down at the bottom of the shaft eagerly awaiting the SPLAT as they sip their coffee.

SHEVA: _Oh the humanity._

CHRIS: *typing away on a computer in the central platform* Did you say something?

Chris somehow knew how to find Jill's file in the computer in less than a minute and bringing it up somehow triggers the platform to raise to that level.

**You Know What That Means**

CHRIS: *finally takes notice of all the pods and it clicks in his mind that they _must all contain possibly alive human beings*_ They've probably kidnapped people from all over the world because there's a lot of these things and I assume they're all occupied!

PLATFORM: *stops*

SHEVA: Buh?

CHRIS: *turns around to notice...A GIANT MONSTER*

The monster is U8, short for Ultimate 8. They've either really run out of cool monster names like 'Tyrant' and 'Nemesis', cashed in all their chips with 'Uroboros', or just wanted it to be a throwback to U-3 in Resident Evil 4 although the creatures are nothing alike. Either way, run, dodge, shoot, stun and throw a grenade in the mouth, complete with one-liners from Chris and stating the obvious from Sheva. Once it's defeated, it plummets down the chasm, presumably crushing all those fist bumping scientists standing over the messy puddle that was once the nameless somebody that fell from the pod. The reward for this fight? The pod that allegedly contained Jill - except not because anyone who hasn't figured out she's the masked woman by now _simply isn't paying attention _- extends to the platform and opens to reveal...nothing. Predictably.

CHRIS: GRJIADJKALSDWTF. Where the hell is she?!

COMPUTER: Allow me to answer that for you.

EXCELLA: *on video because this is apparently the time for a cam-session* Mr. Redfield...So nice to fiiiinally meet you.

CHRIS: *forgets that he's a part of an organization funded by a company that she's one of the major heads of once again* WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE IS JILL?!

SHEVA: Uh, Chris, remember that name drop earlier? That's Excella. Director of Tricell, etc. Idiot ball, your court, your serve.

EXCELLA: Since Sheva is the non-moronic one for this turn, I will congratulate her for her knowledge of basic info on the people she works for.

SHEVA: WHY. YOU WERE LIKE A MOTHER TO ME. OR THE BSAA ...or something.

EXCELLA: I don't need to explain myself to you! Just reveal a major plot point by telling you that you were given orders to retreat...THAT YOU DISOBEYED.

SHEVA: It WAS you!

CHRIS: Wait, how is the head of Tricell capable of giving orders in an organization they fund, not lead? More importantly, WHERE IS JILL? SO HELP ME, I WILL KEEP ASKING UNTIL YOU ANSWER.

EXCELLA: Even if I did know and obviously I do, why would I tell you and ruin the _total suspense_?

CHRIS: I WILL GIVE YOU THE **GLARE** I NORMALLY RESERVE FOR SHEVA!

EXCELLA: When you're done endangering your organization's continued funding by breaking orders, you should probably leave. Or die. Or something. BITCH OUT.

SHEVA: She's lying, she knows everything!

CHRIS: O. RLY. NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED. So let's keep going now because being under fire from our organization for insubordination is no match for my desire to find Jill!

**Still The Experimental Facility**

SHEVA: So this was the facility Excella was talking about.

CHRIS: What, when?! Oh, but more importantly, I bet she sent that monster to get rid of us.

SHEVA: Why don't you ask her about that and Jill when we find her?

CHRIS: Yes, because asking her in person will go over SO MUCH BETTER than Skype.

Continuing on, Chris and Sheva fight their way through a warehouse with more Majini and it involves some duck and cover. That's really all I can say about that. At the end they open a door with partner tactics because there's no way one person can press two buttons within arm's reach at the same time! That bit of excitement is followed by more Majini battles complete with more duck and cover and it all ends with an elevator ride.

**Chris's radio senses something.**

EXCELLA [over radio]: ...bzzt static fuzz...name drop plot point...

SHEVA: I know who that is!

CHRIS: So do I and so does the entire audience. Why does that make you special?

EXCELLA [over radio]: ...words words words...ALBERT...words...

CHRIS: O_O

SHEVA: Dafuq?

EXCELLA [over radio]: Just in case anyone listening in on this frequency didn't hear, I said ALBERT as in ALBERT WESKER, CHRIS REDFIELD'S MORTAL ENEMY.

Even though Excella simply said the name 'Albert' and not 'Wesker', Chris's 'antagonist' sense starts tingling and he doesn't even stop to consider that Excella could be talking to anyone else in the world named Albert, like a personal assistant or maybe she named her dog that. One might even be inclined to think that she'd be more careful with people like Chris and Sheva nearby who are here to _fuck up their plans_ and at least call on a secure channel or even the friggin' cell phone/PDA that Wesker is shown to be using later on. Of course the audience has already seen Wesker and knows that he's in the game too, so no anticipation will be built on the audience not knowing for sure or any sort of wondering on Chris's part whether it's THE Albert Wesker or was that just a crazy coincidence? Or Chris read the entire script in advance and just couldn't keep the ending to himself. Either way, nice storytelling, guys. Back to the game.

CHRIS: OH GODDAMNIT HE'S NOT DEAD. I refuse to think that there is anyone else in world that could be here named Albert. And yeah, I did read the script. He dies in the end.

After getting off the elevator, Chris and Sheva walk straight into Licker Central Part Two, complete with massive bloodstains and claw marks on the wall. They fight their way through until the reach the conveyer belt area to fight their way through some more except this time it's Army Majini with assault rifles and stun rods. It...takes a while.

**Conveyer Belts**

CHRIS/SHEVA: *runrunrunrun-kick down steel door-more runrunrunrun with explosions and shield-toting Majini-lever pull!*

CHRIS: A SIG 556! *take* And missiles, whoa.

SHEVA: Why do they need these?

CHRIS: To blow stuff up?

**Let's pull levers instead of talking about that or more importantly, informing someone.**

Chris and Sheva make their way down the catwalk and come across not-at-all-going-to-hatch-into-something-horrible coccoons suspended above them. Especially not shortly after reading a file about a new monster. Resident Evil 5: holding the player's hand tight and not letting it go, ever.

SHEVA: What manner of beast is that?

CHRIS: The kind that makes you sound like you're quoting Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula?

After clearing up the Reaper madness the pair goes down to the control panel and pull more levers which leads to more conveyer belts. That deposit corpses like the one that dropped from the pod into incinerators. So much for splats and fist bumps. And for the corpse of U-8 if that's where all these bodies land. These are called Dead Brides despite not being dead or even a specific gender. A couple stand up grab as the pair go by. If they have this much energy why not avoid their upcoming incineration by getting off the damn belt? Whatever, let's pull some levers to stop the belts this time and press buttons at the same time to open a door!

**Uroboros Finally.**

Chris and Sheva enter a lab in the usual fashion. A nameless someone sits in a chair ahead unresponsively.

EXCELLA: *through speakers* It's a death trap and you're invited!

CHRIS/SHEVA: ?

EXCELLA: *sigh*

JILL VALENTINE: *totally incognito beside her*

CHRIS: WHERE'S. JILL.

EXCELLA: Look who's got a one-track mind. _Just like he said._ So here's Uroboros to give you something else to think about.

NAMELESS SOMEONE: *stands up, monsterizes with tentacles*

Sheva and Chris are uncaring that someone is transforming into a beefed-up version of a creature that has massacred an entire squad of BSAA agents less than ten feet from them and instead continue to question Excella's motives.

SHEVA: It's a new B.O.W. and you're going to sell it to terrorists!

EXCELLA: Wrong and wrong. It's been around a while and KILLING YOUR PEOPLE. But we're not selling it to terrorists.

CHRIS: So...you're just starting a collection of tentacle monsters?

EXCELLA: ... ... It's our vision for worthy humans to evolve made reality. Looks like this guy wasn't it. Jill Valentine and I will leave now so it can kill you both. BYE.

CHRIS: EXCELLA WAIIIIIIIIT!

Chris is soon distracted when tentacles explode out of Nameless Someone, turning him into Uroboros Mkono, pretty much the same as the first boss except it must be killed with hand-to-hand fire since there's no handy walk-in incinerator nearby.

COMPUTER VOICE: MONSTER(S) ARE LOOSE. USE FIRE TO KILL.

CHRIS: This is the same thing that got Alpha team!

SHEVA: EXCEPT SO MUCH WORSE.

Chris and Sheva knock down exploding canisters while the flamethrower on the wall refuels. Good thing they have this ready to go in case of emergency. And a handy computer voice to tell them when it's ready to burn stuff. Cue the stand-their-ground-and-burn, re-fuel, dodge, duck, shoot, one-liner(s) and repeat, eventually it's over with and the monster dies and then melts.

**Uroboros Research Facility**

SHEVA: So what's all this noise Excella was making about being worthy to evolve?

CHRIS: Like it matters because JILL JILL JILL JILL JILL. And she's just a terrorist, 'nuff said, let's keep going because we kind of fail even harder if Uroboros gets out and infects anyone. (Nevermind the entire towns and other assorted populations that have already been wiped out by evolved Las Plagas.)

SHEVA: (When you look at it that way, we kind of suck at our job.)

They head up to the control panel room where Excella was hanging out and then make their way out to the catwalks so they can be ambushed by a bunch of Majini and some more Reapers. After firing up the generator to turn on some button panels, Chris and Sheva come to a moving platform that of course one must stand on while the other pushes the button to move it. Guess what happens after that.

CHRIS: Good thing I picked up this new rifle. Betcha wish you had one.

SHEVA: ... Just get this thing moving.

More Majini ambushes show up, they get wiped out, Chris and Sheva go down a hallway until they're back to where they fought U8. Progress? Continuing this oh-so-spectacular and action-packed adventure, Chris and Sheva pick off Majini armed with assault rifles on a slowly revolving/rising elevator platform that will occasionally slow down even more or stop the platform just to be dicks. Finally up at the top they use PARTNER tactics to open a door and make their way to another elevator. Up they go. Again. If they've already been here, does this mean an entire section of the game that's frankly not that exciting could have been skipped had Chris and Sheva NOT went after Excella or whatever their objective at the time was? Meh, logic and now they're back in some more ruins!

**More Ruins**

SHEVA: Could Excella be here?

CHRIS: I can't think of a good reason why but I guess we should lower that bridge and find out.

More turning on the generator and pushing buttons on a panel to ride an elevator, which of course requires partner tactics. No wonder everyone has a partner if just using an elevator requires the freaking buddy system. And there are lickers here. Which must be faced separately since catwalks must be navigated, crates must be pushed, locked-from-the-inside rooms must be jumped into from above and doors unlocked for this 428490289402th contrived separation to be resolved and the bridge to be lowered.

**Two On Two**

Chris and Sheva enter the Monarch Room. Excella stands a few feet away.

SHEVA: *pointing gun at Excella* YOU ARE SO TOTALLY UNDER ARREST.

EXCELLA: Try it, bitch.

CHRIS: *also pointing gun* FOR THE LAST TIME WHERE. IS. JILL?!

EXCELLA: Here's a hint: there are four surviving characters in this game and three of them are in the room right now.

CHRIS/SHEVA: ... *don't get it*

EXCELLA: *sigh* Oh, fine.

JILL VALENTINE: *explodes onto the scene and starts doing martial arts gunplay acrobatics that are all the Resident Evil movies fault*

CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. Kick, flip, gun, land. SEEN IT.

WESKER: *emerge* You haven't changed. (Except for putting on five billion pounds of muscle...)

CHRIS: ZOMG WESKER'S ALIVE! (Why I thought he'd be dead after surviving being gored by a tyrant, the mansion blowing up, barbequed and crushed by steel beams and being pushed out a window before free-falling into a cliffside canyon is anyone's guess. Not to mention all the recognizable foreshadowing that even Stephenie Meyer would call predictable.)

SHEVA: This is Wesker? ARE YOU SURE IT'S THE SAME PERSON, CHRIS?!

WESKER: So, we last saw each other at Spencer's castle in the sky. Why aren't you happier to see us?

CHRIS: But, uh, Excella wasn't there...?

WESKER: _Sigh_. *pulls the hood off Jill Valentine:*

JILL VALENTINE: *is now revealed*

CHRIS: *shocked* Jill! You're a blonde?

SHEVA: ARE YOU SURE IT'S THE SAME PERSON, CHRIS?!

WESKER: *annoyed* So slow to catch on. So. Freaking. Slow.

JILL: *whips off cloak to show off her skintight battle suit* CATFIGHT!

CHRIS: NO!

SHEVA: GUN!

WESKER: PUNCH!

CHRIS: STANDOFF!

WESKER: TIME. OUT. You, me, her, that, seven minutes, two-on-two. Excella, you're a bit part with no real plot significance except future boss fight, so GTFO.

**Seven Minutes In Heaven**

Wesker does his usual super-speed bullet dodge bullshit because he hasn't learned any new tricks in the past 10+ years or so since he became super human. Jill supplements with rapid-fire machine guns and more acrobatics. Chris and Sheva take that whole seven minutes thing seriously and decide to hide while Wesker taunts them. Sheva then decides to take on Jill so Chris can tackle Wesker. Eventually Wesker runs out of time and decides to leave Jill behind so he can take a super important phone call. Chris again tries to arrest Wesker or whatever he thinks is going to happen from pointing his gun at him and ordering him to stop. Wesker handwaves the request as Jill attacks again.

TBC


End file.
